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Citater af Steven Wright
Amerikansk stand up komiker. Klik her og se, hvem han er.
Se videoer her.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year. -

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
to buy them again.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
<Tilbage
Jesper Deleuran 2007
Sidst revideret: 18/11/07 kl. 16:10